Photos by Sharen Bradford of Ballet North Texas’ Sleeping Beauty

Note: This essay was first published in Stance on Dance’s fall/winter 2022 print issue. To learn more, visit stanceondance.com/print-publication.

I am a first generation Cuban American and was born in Hialeah, Florida, which at times can be mistaken for a Cuba with rights. At the age of three, I was placed in dance because I have an older sister who also danced. The early years of dance were spent improvising with teddy bears, tiaras, and tutus. Those were the years I remember life and dance being simple and fun. At the age of nine, my sister moved to a more serious ballet studio, and I of course followed suit. I soon discovered, or at least I was told, that I had potential to be a professional ballet dancer. I was celebrated for my high passé, archy feet, and sassy personality. My Cuban teachers at the time provided me with excellent training and with many opportunities to dance alongside talented professional dancers. I loved every second of it.

Around the age of 16, I started to develop as girls do when they start to become women. I was always thin and ate every Cuban meal my abuela cooked for me. She would make these delicious plates of boliche, arroz blanco, frijoles negros, tostones, and of course cafecito. I started to develop, but I didn’t notice my body changing until my teachers made a comment about the size of my butt. I had never had any issues with my body or body image until the comments started to become more frequent. I didn’t know what to do to “fix myself” and felt ashamed to mention it to my parents or other peers. I started changing my eating habits. I tried cutting back on the amount I ate, increased my coffee intake to suppress my appetite, and wore trash bag shorts all the time, even under my practice tutu. I managed to keep a steady weight even though I wasn’t making the healthiest choices and as a result was hurting my metabolism.

At the age of 16, I attended a summer intensive in Sarasota, Florida. I went to this summer program a few years in a row and received great training. This is where I met the teacher and later mentor who greatly influenced my career, Loipa Araújo, also referred to as one of the four Cuban ballet jewels and currently the Associate Artistic Director of English National Ballet in London, England. During the summer in Sarasota, she mentioned to my family and I that I should audition for English National Ballet School. At first, we completely dismissed the idea, but when I received a full scholarship to attend the school, I found myself saying my goodbyes to my big Cuban family a month later.

Being a part of English National Ballet School was a surreal experience. I was able to learn and watch so many amazing ballets and work with such talented teachers and choreographers. My three years in England hold some of my best memories, but they also hold some of my worst. Moving away from home at 16 seems exciting, but I would be lying if I didn’t say it was extremely difficult. I was spoiled in the best way by my parents, specifically my mama. She cared for me and even washed my feet after taking my pointe shoes off until the day before I left for England. She is my best friend and not having her around left me figuring out a lot of things on my own. My first year in England I lived in a female hostel built in the 1500s where one floor had around 40 small rooms, four toilets, four showers, and one kitchen. The funniest part was learning that there wasn’t a dryer to dry my clothes. Instead, I had to hang up my clothes on a piece of wood and then, once all the clothes were hung, reel it up towards the ceiling and leave it to dry overnight.

My first few days at the school were not exactly what I had imagined. My British teacher approached me during the very first class of the school year to inform me that I had the wrong hairstyle, wrong tights, and wrong shoes. I also wasn’t allowed to wear nail polish, a necklace, or dangly earrings. I was so upset because at the beginning it seemed that no matter how much I tried, I kept making mistake after mistake. I didn’t deal with it well and felt frustrated most of the time. My poor eating habits started to catch up to me and, combined with the stressful situation of trying to figure out life, I began gaining weight. I felt very self-conscious and would spend most of the time at dance with my arms wrapped around my waist because I didn’t want anyone seeing or judging how the tights would cut into my stomach. I felt like a big giant failure and was made to feel that way.

I was sent by the school to visit a doctor to get bloodwork done to make sure there wasn’t a hormonal imbalance. This was one of the worst doctor visits I have ever experienced. As soon as I entered the doctor’s office and he looked up to greet me, he made it clear he knew exactly why I was gaining weight. He stated that the reason I was bigger than the other dancers my age was because my ancestors were from a part of Spain where there was a mix of African and Spanish. I politely thanked him for his time and walked out of the office feeling shocked and less hopeful than before. I was then sent to see a psychologist to see if fixing my mental health would help me shed weight. Her diagnosis after hearing me express some very personal information was “simple”: I suffered from disordered eating. Once more I was left feeling like I had a diagnosis with no cure. Then I was sent to see a nutritionist, and she put me on a diet consisting of whey protein shakes and protein bars. Not only did I not lose weight, but my muscle mass increased even more.

Finally, summertime came, and I went home for a bit. Thanks to my mom and dad, I was able to spend the summer working on my mental and physical health. My dad would leave work during his lunch hour to take me to my psychologist appointment, and then they would take me to dance and nutritionist appointments in the evening. I was able to shed some weight, and when it was time to go back to England for the next school year, I was feeling confident.

When I arrived in England, I was greeted with a lot of compliments about how good I looked. The weight kept dropping and the praise kept growing. I was receiving lead roles, scoring high on my exams, and even had my picture chosen for a cover of a dance magazine. I kept shedding weight, and by December I had become very thin but disregarded my physical appearance because of the success I was having. I didn’t know how to stop and no one around me told me I should, so I kept going because I had finally figured out what I thought was the equation for success. But as I soon came to learn, history repeats itself. When audition time came around and I wasn’t being selected, I started to lose control. The tight knot I had around my routine and my food started to unravel, and I felt like once more I was falling. I started to gain weight and as a result I had auditions taken away. The worst part was when the school director at the time took me out of a featured pas de deux out of fear of me injuring my male partner. I decided to finish what I started and graduated in June and then left England to join a ballet company in Romania. After a brief period in Romania, I decided to return home because I was in a bad mental headspace and needed to be close to my family.

The time spent at home ended up being the biggest blessing for my dance career. I decided to start teaching ballet when I wasn’t training and fell in love with teaching. I used my experiences to make sure I taught my dancers challenging classes where they felt inspired and cared for. Never would I make a dancer feel the way I was made to feel. I made sure to teach my students to be compassionate and embrace the beauty in being different.

I spent my time at home training with the next person in my dance career who shaped me and gave me back the confidence I thought was gone: Francis Veyette. He cared for me as a human and helped me navigate one of the biggest challenges in my early 20s. During my time at home, my weight would not drop, and I started to experience a few symptoms that worried me. I decided to visit a doctor who diagnosed me with hypothyroidism and Hashimoto’s disease. I didn’t know exactly what that meant but I knew I had to start on medication immediately and losing weight was going to prove even harder than before. The next day during my private training session with my coach, I cried and cried because I just didn’t know if I had it in me to keep fighting and dancing. In that moment, something happened that I had never experienced in my dance career. He believed in my strength to keep fighting and the beauty in the “ugly.”  I wasn’t rejected for being “too heavy,” but instead felt like I had someone to help me find my happiness. Soon after I started on medication for my thyroid I met with a dietitian, and a couple years later I can say I am dancing professionally with a ballet company in Texas.

A couple of months ago, I performed one of the biggest roles of my dance career and am so happy I chose to not quit and give up on myself. Performing Aurora in The Sleeping Beauty has been the highlight of my career and an opportunity I am grateful to have been given. It was such a special magical feeling that is difficult to put into words.

I am still a work in progress and figuring out life one day at a time with the help of my loved ones. I embrace every opportunity to dance that I am given because I know what it feels like to have it removed. I don’t think the ballet world will change drastically in the next few years to be more accepting and to recognize that dancers are humans and not machines. Our bodies are always changing, and it would help if those in charge had a better approach and a more educated group of professionals to assist dancers who are struggling with their weight, mental health, and/or injuries. The best solution for dancers to deal with harsh criticism and unfair situations is to have a trusting support system that believes in them and is always there to provide honest feedback. I have been blessed that my support system has been and will always be my family.

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Michelle Chaviano is a professional ballerina with Ballet North Texas and has her own business called SoFlo Movement Center focused on strengthening dancers through different methods of cross-training. Prior to moving to Texas, she danced with English National Ballet School, English National Ballet, Teatrul de Balet Sibiu, and graduated with a BFA from Trinity College in England. She was born and raised in the South Florida area and is a first generation Cuban American. She is proud of her heritage and loves spending quality time with her family.

Note: This essay was first published in Stance on Dance’s fall/winter 2022 print issue. To learn more, visit stanceondance.com/print-publication.

The post A Ballet Dancer’s Journey to Loving Herself appeared first on Stance on Dance.

I’m excited to announce the release of Stance on Dance’s second issue! In case you haven’t heard, Stance on Dance launched a twice-a-year print publication this past summer. Each issue features 6-8 dance writers from across the country and globe who share their stories and perspectives. I’m excited to send a copy of each issue to folks who donate at least $25 a year to support Stance on Dance’s arts journalism nonprofit. I also send free copies to college dance programs and other dance learning spaces. And because Stance on Dance is devoted to ensuring access, all the articles in the print publication will be published on stanceondance.com over the next couple months.

In this upcoming fall 2022 issue, there are several informative and thoughtful articles in store: Snowflake Calvert’s edifying essay on pretendians in dance, Michelle Chaviano’s vulnerable essay about her road to loving her body, Shebana Coelho’s musings and encounters while studying flamenco in Spain, Sarah Groth’s whimsical and other-worldly illustrations, Aiano Nakagawa’s story of overcoming her teenage body image demons, Kathryn Roszak’s profile of Wendy Whelan, Janet Eilber, and Lia Cirio, all women leaders in the dance field, Mary Trunk’s meditative essay on her process making a film about aging in dance, and Nikita Winkler’s profile of traditional Namibian dance artist West Uarije. Also included are interviews I conducted with Ralph Buck, Head of Dance Studies at the University of Auckland and UNESCO’s first Co-Chair on Dance and Social Inclusion, and Yashoda Thakore, a Kuchipudi dancer and scholar in India whose current research focuses on women temple dancers. I’m excited to include so many voices and perspectives in this issue, and to give these dance writers a platform to practice and share their craft!

Cover art by Sarah Groth

In addition to covering dance artists and supporting dance writers, another integral part of Stance on Dance’s mission is distributing dance journalism to the next generation of dance artists. That’s why we have given away more than 80 free copies of our print publication to several college dance programs and other dance learning spaces, including California State University East Bay, Florida International University, University of San Francisco, University of Richmond, University of Florida, University of Silicon Andhra, Old Dominion University, Texas Christian University, Antioch University New England, Shawl-Anderson Dance Center, and Ohio State University. My hope is that students pick up a copy of Stance on Dance, learn about the vast and myriad ways there are to be a dance artist, and perhaps even get excited about dance journalism.

If you work with a college dance program or other dance learning space and would like to learn more about this program, please reach out to me at emmaly@stanceondance.com. And if you’re reading this and thinking, “I would love to write about dance!” then of course get in touch! My goal is to elevate dance journalism by making it accessible for anyone who has a stance on dance.

Even Doozle is reading Stance on Dance!

The post Working to Fulfill Stance on Dance’s Mission appeared first on Stance on Dance.

Meet our director and editor:

Emmaly Wiederholt is a dance artist and arts journalist based in Albuquerque, NM. She founded Stance on Dance in 2012. Emmaly earned her MA in Arts Journalism from the University of Southern California and her BFA in Ballet and BS in Political Science from the University of Utah. She further trained at the San Francisco Conservatory of Dance and performed extensively around the Bay Area. Her first book, Beauty is Experience: Dancing 50 and Beyond, was published in 2017, and her second book, Breadth of Bodies: Discussing Disability in Dance, was published in 2022. Emmaly is also a master DanceAbility instructor and facilitates movement groups at the UNM Hospital adult psychiatric ward, as well as is a founding member of the dance advocacy nonprofit ABQ Dance Connect. She continues to perform throughout the Southwest.

Photo by Allen Winston

Our contributors have included:

Snowflake Arizmendi-Calvert, a performance artist and organizer in the Bay Area.

Gregory Bartning, a photographer in Portland, OR.

Liz Duran Boubion, the director of the Festival of Latin American Contemporary Choreographers in the Bay Area.

Liz Brent-Maldonado, an artist, writer, educator, and producer in San Francisco, CA.

Michelle Chaviano, a ballet dancer with Ballet North Texas.

Bradford Chin, a disabled dance artist and accessibility consultant in Chicago, IL, and San Francisco, CA.

Shebana Coelho, a writer and performer currently studying flamenco in Spain.

breana connor, an interdisciplinary artist, facilitator + healer in Albuquerque, NM.

Lauren Coons, an interdisciplinary artist, performer, healer and educator in Albuquerque, NM.

Julia Cost, a painter, textile designer, sewist, and dancer in Maui, HI.

Sophia Diehl, a dancer in New York City.

Bonnie Eissner, a writer in New York City.

Katie Flashner, a.k.a. The Girl with the Tree Tattoo, a World Champion ballroom dancer and author in ME.

Micaela Gardner, a dancer and choreographer in Baja, Mexico.

Sarah Groth, an interdisciplinary artist from Albuquerque, NM.

Cherie Hill, a dance educator and choreographer based in the Bay Area.

Lorie House, a dancer, choreographer, and lawyer in NM.

Silva Laukkanen, a dance educator and disability advocate in Austin, TX.

Mary Elizabeth Lenahan, the director of Dance Express in Fort Collins, CO.

Shannon Leypoldt, a dance artist, teacher, and sports massage therapist in Berlin.

Erin Malley, a dance artist and tango teacher based in West Michigan.

Julianna Massa, a dance artist in Albuquerque, NM.

Aiano Nakagawa, a dance artist, educator, facilitator, writer, and event producer in the Bay Area.

Jessie Nowak, a dance artist and filmmaker in Portland, OR.

Kevin O’Connor, a multidisciplinary artist in London, Ontario, and the San Francisco Bay Area.

Bhumi B Patel, an artist/activist based in the Bay Area.

Stephanie Potreck, a sports nutritionist and health advocate who currently resides in Germany.

Jill Randall, artistic director of Shawl-Anderson Dance Center in Berkeley, CA.

Kathryn Roszak, a choreographer, filmmaker, educator, and activist in the Bay Area.

Donna Schoenherr, director of Ballet4Life and Move into Wellbeing in London, UK.

Maggie Stack, a dancer and teacher in Reno, NV.

Camille Taft, a CO front range-based mover and visual artist.

Mary Trunk, a filmmaker, choreographer, and multimedia artist in Altadena, CA.

Diana Turner-Forte, a teaching artist, healing arts coach, and writer in NC.

Ana Vrbaski, a body music practitioner in Serbia.

Nikhita Winkler, a dancer, choreographer, and teacher from Namibia who currently resides in Spain.

Erica Pisarchuk Wilson, a dance artist, visual artist and poet in Albuquerque, NM.

Rebecca Zeh, an interdisciplinary artist in Sarasota Springs, NY.

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Our board:

Snowflake Arizmendi-Calvert

Cathy Intemann

Alana Isiguen

Courtney King

Malinda LaVelle

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